At least the Granny Square Dress was forgiving

because this sure as shootin’ aint!

Bikini or Not? (Low Work Safe Factor)

Today’s item *may* be a bikini, in the same way that I *may* be considered a chef.

The rampant nature of crochet has seen it spread into swimwear,

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 or posing-in-the-sunwear,

 to the point some starlets have become confused about the place of the pineapple swimsuit

 

and taken it out for the evening.

I don’t know who Blu Cantrell is, but she appears to be trying to get some exposure here.

In the chain (get it??) of crocheted poolside wear, comes something purporting to be a

“bikini”

(and I’m being careful, unless the Unnecessary Quotation Marks people come to get me)

and we end up with something that I can only loosely describe as a nipple tether.

 

I’m not a member of the Breastapo, but…. hrm.

And I am  really hoping there’s some motif applicated to the bottom half and that the model isn’t that in need of planned maintenance.

If you can’t bribe them

Terrify them! or  How to get your Model to pose for a shoot when it’s all Fug.

The response I’ve always had to those who complain about the writing of a snark blog is that “No-one has a gun to your head, forcing you to read it.”

  True – look around, see?  No masked crocheter holding a .45 to your head threatening to redecorate the wall in an interesting new colour called “Hint of Brain”. 

You no like, you can go up to the left to the back button or up to the right to the search window and… look for something else.

If you’re a model and you’ve been presented with something less than stellar to wear perhaps the circumstances maybe different, depending on how much you need the next pair of Christin Louboutins.

What technique this photographer used – not sure but I’m intrigued as to what made this the best that the art director had to use…

 

I love the Russian crochet patterns as much as the next deranged wool-pig, but…..

the belt that looks like you’ve been eviscerated… not so much.

The Dread Horror – The Granny Square Dress

Do you remember – when she, that alabaster skinned Goddess of the screen, Cate Blanchett, shocked us all by wearing THAT dress – that monstrosity of Granny Squares?

In my wild What Not to Crochet days.. it heralded a rush of nausea and comments from around the world wondering whose couch she’d ripped that from??

No – none of us could believe it.. Neither by the looks of it can  Sam Neill aka Agent Smith of The Matrix.  Maybe he can’t classify the species…. and he’s recognised that Granny Squares are a a virus. Granny Squares are a disease, a cancer of Crochet… 

 

But in our quest to bring to you the Fug in the World of Weird Crochet, Revelation dawned – We had seen this before.

Yes – I had picked this as being worse than being Naked in a crowd….

Romance was born, in their 2009 Show decided to be… erm, revolutionary in crochet.

The crochet equivalent of brain freeze

What was of more concern was that another designer – Paul Smith did The Dress AGAIN… and… it seems trendy slings for those with fractured forearms.  Noting the carpal tunnel damaging nature of excessive crochet.. maybe there is some practicality here….

But there is still no excuse (or originality !) here

But true to historical and fashionical trends, where one designer introduces something revolutionary, then  others pick it up and crochet appears in the collections of eight different designers and then it filters down through the department stores and trickles on down into some dump bin….

And… if you have a burning desire to look like Cate Blanchett in some small way (and you can’t afford the $300 a pop SK-II product range) We now have the solution…. 

I weep for the future…..

 

If you only knew one crochet stitch

what could you make?

The absolute manic obsession some have for washcloths would probably be the answer

not pictured: washing

Ok.. sure. Whatever waters your flowers.

I’d like to take a moment to point something out about the above before we head to an example of Boredom in Crochet.  Those washcloths have a) colour and b) texture.

See unlike knitting, where all you have is a knit stitch and a purl stitch, Crocheters have a great deal more latitude. Yes, the beloved Yarn Harlot may turn out some gorgeous work, and has done incredible things with Knitters without Borders but even she (and Debbie Bliss and Jean Greenhowe) are limited to just.. knit and purl.

Crocheters – not withstanding which terminology is used, we have a wealth of stitches that can be used.  And that’s before we even get into stitch Patterns!

Shawshank fans may wonder if there's a hook hidden away inside.
Redemption lies within

Single Crochet, that lovely Half Double Crochet. Double Crochet, Treble Crochet and beyond.

So… armed with even the most uninspiring of yarns, and being forced, yes – perhaps at gunpoint, to use only one stitch from the array at our disposal,  what would YOU come up with?

Because that is my only explanation for how today’s Misstitched item has come about. 

I hesitate to refer to it as ugly – because it has no feature to latch on to, except being a) white and b) enormous and c) without character at all.

This is not a crochet disaster, because that would imply clashing colours, a train wreck of features and generally : a crocheted casualty section. this… looks more like a repurposed hospital blanket.

That most Resident Evil: Things that eat keys

Welcome to 2011, and I apologise for the short break in communications.  For those of you who are familiar with Australia, and <WARNING – HORRIBLE MUSAK>  a poem by a homesick schoolgirl, mine is a country of droughts and… flooding rains.

We’re in the second at present, and donations to those 28,000 who have lost their homes can be made through:

http://www.qld.gov.au/floods/donate.html

And the concept of loss brings me firmly to today’s Crocheted Monstrosity.  I run a continual battle with The Handbag That Eats Keys and so I felt, at a visceral level, for the peson who has obviously, obviously, lost her keys, lipstick and possibly: a small child to this example of why acrylic yarn and prescriptions should not be combined.

There comes a time, when you have to throw it out

Every so often you do have to be hard hearted about your wardrobe.

Some things are never, ever, no matter how much reliance you place on the Detox diet, EVER going to fit again.  Some items are really those that time and fashion have forgotten.

Others, have felt the bite of verminous creatures: moths, mice and rampaging critters.

If the said garment falls into the first category, it is possible that a good home can be found on eBay, or some worthy cause – Goodwill, St Vincents etc will be grateful. Sometimes, even those relics lurking in the second row find new purpose with some one less fashion conscious as yourself , going to a theme party perhaps.

It’s the jersey that’s been attacked by a cat or in this case – I suspect a rabid velociraptor; that you shouldn’t try to flog as “Unique”

Even a dog would huck that out of it’s basket.

This isn’t What Not To Crochet, this is What Crochet Not To Salvage.

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